this made me laugh

Hangovers ...

One Star Hangover (*): No pain. No real feeling of
illness. You're able to function relatively well;
however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas
and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**): No pain, but something is
definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the
mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the
3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***): Slight headache. Stomach
feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your
alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be
better right now if you were home in your bed watching
Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--- yet you haven't
peed once(?).

Four Star Hangover (****): Life sucks. Your head is
throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for
being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the
fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For
the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the Bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one
big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter
is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes
of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****): You have a second
heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is
seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In
fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants
of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any
attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater'seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass.

Death sounds pretty good about right now!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.